TWELVE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"Honey, did you move the elf?" Lisa asked her husband Chad.
"I haven't touched the thing," Chad said as he shuffled past her with his beer. College basketball was on. "I put up the outside lights and brought in the tree. The inside stuff is your job."
Lisa stood in front of the book shelf full of photo albums, family heirlooms and knick knacks. The stuffed toy elf sat center on the top shelf smiling back at her with an elusive smirk. Lisa tilted her head and said, "Huh," and then let it go.
ELEVEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"Are you inviting anyone from your work?" Chad called over the back of the couch. Lisa was in the kitchen, baking cookies he'd never get to eat. She had some kind of cookie swap meet at her work.
"No one important," Lisa called back to him. "Maybe just a few coworkers who I get along with. I don't want to make it a thing where people's feelings get hurt because I didn't invite them."
Chad made an acknowledging grunt. Maybe he'd invite Charlie from work. Definitely no supervisors or bosses. Did Charlie have kids? He wondered if Charlie did have kids how annoying they might be.
The Packers scored another touchdown. This was a blow out. Maybe the AFC game would be a better match up.
"Babe, the kids put that damn elf in front of the cable box. I can't change the channel," he said.
"Mommy! I have to go potty!" Stacey yelled over both of them.
"Really Chad? You can move the elf just as easily as I can. Why are you telling me about it?" she said. Then she turned to their youngest. "Come on sweety. We don't want an accident, right?"
Chad thought about pointing out how the kids shouldn't be climbing around on the entertainment center. It wasn't a matter of moving the damn elf. It was a matter of the two thousand dollar flat screen, the Blueray player and the Xbox.
TEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Gracie yelled.
"What? What? What? Christ Almighty!" Chad said. "I just got home, girl."
"Um, um, um. When I got home from school... The elf was in my bedroom!" Gracie said. "He was waiting for me right on my bed!"
"That's amazing sweetheart," Chad said. "Is mom making dinner yet?"
"Um... I don't know. Can you believe he was sitting right on my bed? I think he likes me best-est!"
"I'm sure he does sweetheart. Lisa? Do you have diner going?"
NINE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"Ooh! Bitchcakes!" Lisa swore.
"What?" Chad yelled from the bathroom.
"Oh, those god damn kids. They put that stupid elf in my underwear drawer," Lisa said. "Thing scared the crap out of me."
"I thought you were the one moving that damn thing around," Chad said.
"You know, I've meant too but I just haven't had any time this year," Lisa said. "Are you sure you weren't the one who put it here? It's smelling my thongs."
"No. Did you put it on Gracie's bed yesterday?"
"No. I thought that was you."
EIGHT DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"We can't let the kids see," Lisa said. "Oh my god, what the hell happened to her?"
Chad got down on one knee to examine the cat a little closer. It laid on the concrete basement floor in a puddle of blood. The gashes on its face and side were deep but now clotted with blood and matted down with fur. He prodded the body to discover that the cat was indeed a body and truly no longer a cat.
"Must have been an animal of some kind. A wolverine maybe," Chad said.
"In our house?" Lisa said.
"No, not in our house. Outside our house. She must have gotten into it pretty bad with something out there."
"Well then how she'd get back inside without somebody noticing something?" Lisa said.
"I don't know, Lis. Maybe it was dark. Maybe the bleeding was slow and not as noticeable," Chad said. "I'll try digging a hole. Hope the ground's not too frozen.
"Oh, my poor Mittens."
SEVEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"Girls, we've talked about this," Lisa said. "You are not to use the sharp knives unless mom and dad are there to help, right?"
"But we didn't use the knives," Gracie said. Stacy didn't say anything. She never said much of anything.
"Then why does the elf have a pairing knife, Gracie?" Lisa asked.
"I don't know," Gracie said. "Maybe it wanted an apple."
"Gracie," Lisa threatened with a name the way only moms can.
"I don't know, mom," she said, inspecting her socks. Stacy kept eye contact, doe-eyed and silent.
SIX DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
The cable was cut clean in two. His linesman plyers was on the floor behind the entertainment center, just inches away from the cut and just a few inches away from that god damn elf.
That's what this was about. The fucking elf. The girls were pissed because of how he yelled at them the other day for putting it front of the cable box, so they did this. If he asked them, he was sure they'd blame it on the elf. Because that was the whole game, wasn't it? The elf is alive and reporting their behavior back to Santa? Well, if the elf could do that, what else could it do?
Hide in underwear drawers? Cut cables? Kill cats?
He could splice this in less than a half hour and still catch the tip-off. No reason to play into their game. After all, he was the adult.
"Chad" Lisa called from upstairs. "The sink is clogged again. Where's the Drain-o?"
Chad held his tongue. Fifteen minutes to unclog the drain. Fifteen minutes to splice the cable. He could pull it off.
FIVE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
Something woke up Stacey from a dead solid sleep. She didn't remember having any scarey dreams. The three year old thought maybe she had to go potty, tried, but nothing came out. Maybe she needed a drink of water. No. She really wasn't that thirsty. Plus she couldn't reach her sippy cup.
Somewhere between the fridge and her bed, she forgot about dreams and the potty chair and water. She saw the elf sitting up with the light of the Sensy lighting it up from behind. It sat on the ledge of the kitchen counter with its little mitten hands folded in its lap, absent minded and smiling, its eyes looking up and away as if to say, "I haven't done anything. It wasn't me."
Stacey lost track of just how long she stood there and stared at the elf with locked gaze. It must have been until morning. When Gracie came out of her room and called her name it scared her so bad she had an accident right there on the kitchen floor.
Mommy was going to be mad.
FOUR DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
The elf hadn't moved since Lisa found it on the counter watching over her crying daughter and the puddle at her feet. It sat there all day and through the night, its hands so politely resting between its legs. That god damn stupid pointy hat. The sewn in eyes that never make contact. That smile that said it knew secrets it would never share.
Lisa couldn't take it. Maybe it was the stress of the holidays or maybe she was still grieving for the cat. It didn't matter. She couldn't take it anymore.
"Little fucker," she called it. She grabbed the toy and brought it to the outside garbage can. One less thing to worry about. Between the party and the baking and finishing getting the presents ready for the girls, she didn't have the patience to deal with any smart-ass magical midgets.
She hucked the elf in the garbage and slammed the lid. It felt good. Then she looked up. "God damn it, Chad." One of the light strands was out. This holiday couldn't be over soon enough.
THREE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
The knife cut deep. Lisa woke up screaming.
"What? What the fuck?" Chad woke up in a split second. Lisa was kicking off the covers and flailing like a maniac. "Babe, what the hell?"
"Ow! Shit! Ow!" Lisa said. She kicked the last of the blankets off and then held her crotch.
Chad rubbed the crud out of his eyes, still trying to work through the morning fog. Lisa pulled a hand off her groin and it came away red. "Are you bleeding?" he asked.
"Jesus on a jet plane! Owie Owie Owie! Get me a towel," Lisa said.
Something to do. That was good. Chad could get a towel. He scrambled off the bed to the master bath and came back with one of the not-so-good towels. The effort it took cleared his head just enough to truly see the scene for the first time.
Lisa had been cut through her underwear. She was bleeding into the bed sheets. The elf and that fucking pairing knife was just a foot down the bed from the blood stain.
TWO DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"You have to take it easy or you're going to pull your stitches," Chad told her. She wouldn't listen anyway.
"Chad, if I don't get this baking done, our guests will have dick to eat at the party," Lisa said. "And I know you don't have that much."
"Hey. Whoa. Uncalled for," Chad said. "Look. Maybe I can go out and buy some cookies. We'll take them out of the plastic trays, put them on our plates, and nobody will know the difference. Come on. It's not worth the stress."
Chad turned her around from the kitchen counter and gave her a big hug. She exhaled as he compressed the worry out of her. He was good at that. She hugged him back. "It's okay. I'll finish what I started. We're not serving store-bought cookies. They'll notice."
"Who cares if they do? If they're that snobbish we don't really want them as friends anyway, right?" Chad said. "Right?"
Lisa had gone rigid in his arms. The temperature of her skin seemed to drop ten degrees.
"Babe?" he asked.
She was looking over his shoulder. "Chad. The elf is back on the counter."
CHRISTMAS EVE
"Come in! Come in! We're so glad you guys could make it!" Lisa said.
"Hey guys," Chad said. Lisa was much better at this whole entertaining thing than he was. "Make yourself at home. We got some rum and eggnog in the kitchen, beer in the fridge."
The Johnsons moved into the kitchen. They knew the Farrels and the Farrels knew the Martinezs so they should get along fine. None of them knew the Ritchers, but Charlie was a card and wouldn't have any problem getting along with the others.
"Do we have enough food?" Lisa asked Chad.
"I don't know. Do we have enough booze?"
CHRISTMAS MORNING
Stacey didn't really understand Santa Claus yet. She understood presents, but really wasn't expecting any that morning. She was still learning.
The Elf had told her a lot. He told her about that bad cat and where to find the knife. He told her about how mommy had special underwear that made her not have accidents. And how mommy had told all her friends about her accident she had the other morning. The Elf told her all the grown-ups were laughing at her because she couldn't make it to the potty. The Elf told her about cookies and Drain-o. The Elf told her how to make them stop laughing.
Now they were all quiet. The grown-ups. Mommy with her special underwear. Daddy. Gracie. The cat. They wouldn't laugh at her ever again.
Stacey skipped over the dead bodies on her way to the Christmas Tree. Maybe the presents would be there this morning.
"Honey, did you move the elf?" Lisa asked her husband Chad.
"I haven't touched the thing," Chad said as he shuffled past her with his beer. College basketball was on. "I put up the outside lights and brought in the tree. The inside stuff is your job."
Lisa stood in front of the book shelf full of photo albums, family heirlooms and knick knacks. The stuffed toy elf sat center on the top shelf smiling back at her with an elusive smirk. Lisa tilted her head and said, "Huh," and then let it go.
ELEVEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"Are you inviting anyone from your work?" Chad called over the back of the couch. Lisa was in the kitchen, baking cookies he'd never get to eat. She had some kind of cookie swap meet at her work.
"No one important," Lisa called back to him. "Maybe just a few coworkers who I get along with. I don't want to make it a thing where people's feelings get hurt because I didn't invite them."
Chad made an acknowledging grunt. Maybe he'd invite Charlie from work. Definitely no supervisors or bosses. Did Charlie have kids? He wondered if Charlie did have kids how annoying they might be.
The Packers scored another touchdown. This was a blow out. Maybe the AFC game would be a better match up.
"Babe, the kids put that damn elf in front of the cable box. I can't change the channel," he said.
"Mommy! I have to go potty!" Stacey yelled over both of them.
"Really Chad? You can move the elf just as easily as I can. Why are you telling me about it?" she said. Then she turned to their youngest. "Come on sweety. We don't want an accident, right?"
Chad thought about pointing out how the kids shouldn't be climbing around on the entertainment center. It wasn't a matter of moving the damn elf. It was a matter of the two thousand dollar flat screen, the Blueray player and the Xbox.
TEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Gracie yelled.
"What? What? What? Christ Almighty!" Chad said. "I just got home, girl."
"Um, um, um. When I got home from school... The elf was in my bedroom!" Gracie said. "He was waiting for me right on my bed!"
"That's amazing sweetheart," Chad said. "Is mom making dinner yet?"
"Um... I don't know. Can you believe he was sitting right on my bed? I think he likes me best-est!"
"I'm sure he does sweetheart. Lisa? Do you have diner going?"
NINE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"Ooh! Bitchcakes!" Lisa swore.
"What?" Chad yelled from the bathroom.
"Oh, those god damn kids. They put that stupid elf in my underwear drawer," Lisa said. "Thing scared the crap out of me."
"I thought you were the one moving that damn thing around," Chad said.
"You know, I've meant too but I just haven't had any time this year," Lisa said. "Are you sure you weren't the one who put it here? It's smelling my thongs."
"No. Did you put it on Gracie's bed yesterday?"
"No. I thought that was you."
EIGHT DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"We can't let the kids see," Lisa said. "Oh my god, what the hell happened to her?"
Chad got down on one knee to examine the cat a little closer. It laid on the concrete basement floor in a puddle of blood. The gashes on its face and side were deep but now clotted with blood and matted down with fur. He prodded the body to discover that the cat was indeed a body and truly no longer a cat.
"Must have been an animal of some kind. A wolverine maybe," Chad said.
"In our house?" Lisa said.
"No, not in our house. Outside our house. She must have gotten into it pretty bad with something out there."
"Well then how she'd get back inside without somebody noticing something?" Lisa said.
"I don't know, Lis. Maybe it was dark. Maybe the bleeding was slow and not as noticeable," Chad said. "I'll try digging a hole. Hope the ground's not too frozen.
"Oh, my poor Mittens."
SEVEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"Girls, we've talked about this," Lisa said. "You are not to use the sharp knives unless mom and dad are there to help, right?"
"But we didn't use the knives," Gracie said. Stacy didn't say anything. She never said much of anything.
"Then why does the elf have a pairing knife, Gracie?" Lisa asked.
"I don't know," Gracie said. "Maybe it wanted an apple."
"Gracie," Lisa threatened with a name the way only moms can.
"I don't know, mom," she said, inspecting her socks. Stacy kept eye contact, doe-eyed and silent.
SIX DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
The cable was cut clean in two. His linesman plyers was on the floor behind the entertainment center, just inches away from the cut and just a few inches away from that god damn elf.
That's what this was about. The fucking elf. The girls were pissed because of how he yelled at them the other day for putting it front of the cable box, so they did this. If he asked them, he was sure they'd blame it on the elf. Because that was the whole game, wasn't it? The elf is alive and reporting their behavior back to Santa? Well, if the elf could do that, what else could it do?
Hide in underwear drawers? Cut cables? Kill cats?
He could splice this in less than a half hour and still catch the tip-off. No reason to play into their game. After all, he was the adult.
"Chad" Lisa called from upstairs. "The sink is clogged again. Where's the Drain-o?"
Chad held his tongue. Fifteen minutes to unclog the drain. Fifteen minutes to splice the cable. He could pull it off.
FIVE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
Something woke up Stacey from a dead solid sleep. She didn't remember having any scarey dreams. The three year old thought maybe she had to go potty, tried, but nothing came out. Maybe she needed a drink of water. No. She really wasn't that thirsty. Plus she couldn't reach her sippy cup.
Somewhere between the fridge and her bed, she forgot about dreams and the potty chair and water. She saw the elf sitting up with the light of the Sensy lighting it up from behind. It sat on the ledge of the kitchen counter with its little mitten hands folded in its lap, absent minded and smiling, its eyes looking up and away as if to say, "I haven't done anything. It wasn't me."
Stacey lost track of just how long she stood there and stared at the elf with locked gaze. It must have been until morning. When Gracie came out of her room and called her name it scared her so bad she had an accident right there on the kitchen floor.
Mommy was going to be mad.
FOUR DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
The elf hadn't moved since Lisa found it on the counter watching over her crying daughter and the puddle at her feet. It sat there all day and through the night, its hands so politely resting between its legs. That god damn stupid pointy hat. The sewn in eyes that never make contact. That smile that said it knew secrets it would never share.
Lisa couldn't take it. Maybe it was the stress of the holidays or maybe she was still grieving for the cat. It didn't matter. She couldn't take it anymore.
"Little fucker," she called it. She grabbed the toy and brought it to the outside garbage can. One less thing to worry about. Between the party and the baking and finishing getting the presents ready for the girls, she didn't have the patience to deal with any smart-ass magical midgets.
She hucked the elf in the garbage and slammed the lid. It felt good. Then she looked up. "God damn it, Chad." One of the light strands was out. This holiday couldn't be over soon enough.
THREE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
The knife cut deep. Lisa woke up screaming.
"What? What the fuck?" Chad woke up in a split second. Lisa was kicking off the covers and flailing like a maniac. "Babe, what the hell?"
"Ow! Shit! Ow!" Lisa said. She kicked the last of the blankets off and then held her crotch.
Chad rubbed the crud out of his eyes, still trying to work through the morning fog. Lisa pulled a hand off her groin and it came away red. "Are you bleeding?" he asked.
"Jesus on a jet plane! Owie Owie Owie! Get me a towel," Lisa said.
Something to do. That was good. Chad could get a towel. He scrambled off the bed to the master bath and came back with one of the not-so-good towels. The effort it took cleared his head just enough to truly see the scene for the first time.
Lisa had been cut through her underwear. She was bleeding into the bed sheets. The elf and that fucking pairing knife was just a foot down the bed from the blood stain.
TWO DAYS TO CHRISTMAS
"You have to take it easy or you're going to pull your stitches," Chad told her. She wouldn't listen anyway.
"Chad, if I don't get this baking done, our guests will have dick to eat at the party," Lisa said. "And I know you don't have that much."
"Hey. Whoa. Uncalled for," Chad said. "Look. Maybe I can go out and buy some cookies. We'll take them out of the plastic trays, put them on our plates, and nobody will know the difference. Come on. It's not worth the stress."
Chad turned her around from the kitchen counter and gave her a big hug. She exhaled as he compressed the worry out of her. He was good at that. She hugged him back. "It's okay. I'll finish what I started. We're not serving store-bought cookies. They'll notice."
"Who cares if they do? If they're that snobbish we don't really want them as friends anyway, right?" Chad said. "Right?"
Lisa had gone rigid in his arms. The temperature of her skin seemed to drop ten degrees.
"Babe?" he asked.
She was looking over his shoulder. "Chad. The elf is back on the counter."
CHRISTMAS EVE
"Come in! Come in! We're so glad you guys could make it!" Lisa said.
"Hey guys," Chad said. Lisa was much better at this whole entertaining thing than he was. "Make yourself at home. We got some rum and eggnog in the kitchen, beer in the fridge."
The Johnsons moved into the kitchen. They knew the Farrels and the Farrels knew the Martinezs so they should get along fine. None of them knew the Ritchers, but Charlie was a card and wouldn't have any problem getting along with the others.
"Do we have enough food?" Lisa asked Chad.
"I don't know. Do we have enough booze?"
CHRISTMAS MORNING
Stacey didn't really understand Santa Claus yet. She understood presents, but really wasn't expecting any that morning. She was still learning.
The Elf had told her a lot. He told her about that bad cat and where to find the knife. He told her about how mommy had special underwear that made her not have accidents. And how mommy had told all her friends about her accident she had the other morning. The Elf told her all the grown-ups were laughing at her because she couldn't make it to the potty. The Elf told her about cookies and Drain-o. The Elf told her how to make them stop laughing.
Now they were all quiet. The grown-ups. Mommy with her special underwear. Daddy. Gracie. The cat. They wouldn't laugh at her ever again.
Stacey skipped over the dead bodies on her way to the Christmas Tree. Maybe the presents would be there this morning.